When you can't handle things anymore...

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

There is always at least once in a person's life, when you reach a point in which you can't handle things.
Unfortunately in my life I had that point some years ago, and I feel it coming again.

I feel like there is nothing I can do anymore, no matter how much I struggle with myself, how much I struggle with my negative feelings, how much I try to make an effort to do things right, I always, ALWAYS, end of wrong. I try so hard at home, to make my family proud and content, even when they bother me and order me to do stuff without even asking. I try so hard at school but then I have either really dumb classmates that don't do a thing in group essays, for some reason I don't get informed of changes in classes or evaluation dates like the other members of the class, due to mailing errors or something. I try hard to have a social life even though I'm super socially awkward and I keep having anxiety attacks and panic every time I get out of the house or have some kind of meeting, but still there's always something that goes extremely wrong and makes me want to give it all up. I try so hard supporting the man I love, trying to make him happy and doing the right things but I seem to always fail. I can't do a thing right.

I really feel like I have no purpose here anymore, I always fail at everything no matter how much I try to succeed. I've been trying to motivate myself and think positive but I just can't anymore.

I feel like I shouldn't exist anymore. I really do. 

I'm so lost, and desperate, maybe if I just stay still or sleep the rest of my life I can get something right.
I just wish I could make things right... "the only winning move is not to play", right?

I usually wouldn't say this in a public blog but I really don't care anymore, I feel like I want to die again. 
Go ahead, call me emo or a wuss or whatever, today I looked down from a 4th floor window and smiled at the prospect of flying down, trying to imagine how it felt to feel the rush of air while falling down. 

I can't let myself close enough to anyone to really cry and be vulnerable anymore, so I feel like I'm completely alone in the world, I don't know where to turn to, I just feel like quitting again, just sleeping all day like before.

"after the storm, the sun always shines"
I wonder if I can make it through the storm :)