Hey there,
To anyone who (still) reads this blog I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've had some twists happen in life, but it's what life is all about, you never know what will happen next right?
So ever since I last wrote.. I really don't remember what was the last thing I wrote about, but the fact is I still love Lolita Fashion, some of you might know I've been out of dressing up for a while, but I restarted dressing up and going to meetings with my dear friends in Lisbon, whom now I miss very much. I was busy studying for my exams earlier in the year, and fortunately I was able to pass them all, except for one little stupid exam which I will be retaking in September/October in the special graduation phase. This little one is the thing standing between me and a bachelor's degree (mind you, not a masters, for that I needed to study 2 more years), and I just need to get this thing going so I can move on with my life.
Other stuff that happen was that I had to move in with my parents again. To the old town I lived in before I went to college;
Leiria. I don't like being here, there's not much to see, to do, I don't have my friends near, nor my favorite places to go when I'm feeling down. It's hard to deal with any hardships because the most I can do is go for a walk besides the river and that's basically it. Even the only shopping mall is on the edge of town, near a highway, so it takes me roughly an hour to get there by foot, and another hour to come back. Why don't you take a bus or something, you ask? Because I think it's unnecessary. I have even less money than what I had back in Lisbon since well, I'm living with my parents, so I don't really get an allowance anymore, and spending it on expensive bus tickets just to go someplace every now and then, when I can walk my butt off and help better my out-of-shape body, is not an option for me. Spending money in things that make me happy, like cooking material, cutesy stuff, cupcakes, tea or anything else is also forbidden, because my mother always reminds me, almost everyday, how much of a burden I am to her and my father, how much they spend or have spent on me and how useless I am, and of course, how much
junk I like to buy for myself.
Corgis make me smile. Nothing ever makes me smile nowadays.
That's another topic; my mother. I've never been able to relate well to my mother, partially because she has severe OCD regarding cleanliness and order, she hit me when I was young pretty much whenever she was angry about things (sometimes minimal things, and pretty much every day so you get the point) and mostly because for more than 10 years now she made me think I was a mistake, that I should never have been born, and whenever my dad takes my side in those petty little fights she comes up with, she says that I'm poisoning my father against her, that she always said I'm the one that's gonna break them up, that I'm poison and every single person in my life is poisoned by me, that I'm killing her, that the fault she and my dad are having so many fights now is because of me, since I ever came to live with them all they do is fight, it's all my fault. And she religiously believes this, it's not something she shouts and regrets, she really does believe this. I don't know whatever I have done wrong to make her hate me so much, I know I was a difficult teenager, teenagers are always difficult, but I don't think I deserve to hear those things, I don't think any daughter or son deserves that...
And my boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, I don't know anymore... he's going through a rough patch (well, so am I, but that's besides the point). I wanted to help him but he kept being cruel to me, he kept pushing me farther away, pushing himself away from others, secluding himself in his room and the internet, to the point he ceased being himself... it's like he was building up to the point of finally breaking up with me and it hurts, it hurts even more knowing he's in pain and he won't even let me help him. He broke up with me yesterday. I know what everyone thinks, but he is a good man, he's a very sweet and caring person when he wants to be, I won't name any instances when he did amazing things for me, because it's private and only I need to know them, I know his worth, I know his potential, but I can't help him anymore. He hurts me like no one ever has hurt me before, and just like my mom, he freaks out and starts a fight for the minimal things, for things he misunderstands and then they escalate. And it's no use to apologize to him or try to make things light and fluffy, because when he enters that mindset he's like a child, he's not willing to talk, not willing to speak, he ignores everyone and when someone tries to talk him out of his shell he's aggressive, rude, demeaning and insulting... I wish he could put life into perspective and see what really matters, I wish he could look to himself and see the great guy he is, the great guy he was when I left Lisbon for this stupid little town... and it wasn't even my decision, my dad practically made me come and live with them again. And dad is somewhat right, a daughter's place is with her parents, just like the person I love is living with his parents, and many other students live with theirs... and I don't blame him, it's the natural thing to happen, living with parents until one finishes one's degree...
...I don't think he even loves me anymore... I'm broken.
Except I smiled when my sweetheart embraced me last weekend. I felt loved when he held me, it was his true self, I felt the difference.
But everyone blames it on me.. everyone says I'm the root of all the problems, and I'm starting to believe it too. I can't keep anything good going on for long, even though I try and try to be nice to people, to be helpful, to care, I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I keep trying to better myself and search and learn from my mistakes but I keep failing. I wanted to have a family by now, a job I liked, at least be married to the person I love, but I can't even hold a relationship.
What's so wrong with me?? I search within myself but I can't seem to grasp it no matter how hard I look. I feel lost, and to boot I have no one here with me to help me cope, no one that understands, no one that's willing to help or simply just listen without judging, without calling me a wuss, a drama queen, without telling me to grow up or grow some balls, no one even tries to understand, they just dismiss my pain and confusion and problems, and I don't understand why, am I that hateful? Do I deserve this type of dismissal? I always listen to people, why aren't there any empathetic people that understand and listen without making me feel like, pardon the word, horse shit every time I talk about my feelings?
I love my parents, but I only seem to cause trouble when I'm around here, living with them, "spending" their money and resources, "dirtying" the house, and I do try to help every chance I get; to clean, to cook, to clean some more, to do the laundry or at least iron it.
I love that man, but it seems I only cause him pain, even though I just want to help him and pick him up, even though I want to protect him, share his pain, his problems, and tell him we can get through them together, but he won't let me, he hurts me so much with his other self that he has no idea the damage he does, and I love him to death even despite his flaws.
I love my friends and I miss them, but I can't seem to get over my social anxiety and bring myself to talk to them again, or even make new friends here since probably the ones I had here in Leiria are long gone having their lives somewhere else.
I love Lolita, and everything cutesy, but it brings me no joy anymore, I don't even dress anymore, and it used to give me so much pleasure.
I love cooking but it's starting to fade within me as well, the joy it brings me to cook for someone, to try different recipes, it's going away, because I can't really cook, I have to keep things clean, tidy, orderly at all costs or else my mom freaks out. The other day I made potato au gratin and she even yelled at me for using the oven, because it dirties the oven, and she had to clean it.
She had to clean it.
I always clean everything after I cook... cooking is another thing that's becoming lost to me.
Here, have some potato au gratin to break off this stupid and boring wall of text
I'm waiting on an answer from
3 pet clinics to start working as an auxiliary/nurse, I'm also going around town checking out the many local driving schools so I can get my driver's license.
I tried to kill myself recently with pills (about a month and so ago), my boyfriend's mom stopped me, I was at his place, staying the weekend.
Don't think I'm not trying to do something with my life, it's not like I'm staying home all day moping around. I do things, I go out, I just can't cope with the pain at the moment.
I know there are people suffering much greater ordeals than myself, I have that notion and
I'm sorry if this offends anyone that thinks my problems aren't really problems at all, but pain isn't measurable, and I need to talk, I need to know I'm not going insane. Pain is there and only the one feeling it can tell if it's too much to deal with, we all have different coping mechanisms and different coping abilities and strength thresholds and I feel lost, and I don't even know myself anymore. I keep struggling and I know, in my head, that I have friends that love me, and family that loves me, I just don't feel it in my heart, I feel I have no heart at all, I feel I'm alone.
All the important people in my life tell me I'm the one to blame, I'm the cause of it all.
I have a reversed Midas touch, everything I touch turns rotten, everyone I love suffers and I'm in the middle.
I wish I was dead, I wish I was never born, so I wasn't such a bother to everyone I love. I just wanted to be happy and everyone around me was happy.
Maybe I'm just not meant for living.
If you read this till the end, thank you, it means, even though just a little bit, that you care.
I wish you all the happiness in the world.
